Light and Dark

Lying there together both partially dressed. Her head on his lap and leather collar around her neck. Gazing into each others eyes lovingly it would be obvious to any who saw them that this was a meeting of souls… his darker, sometimes sadistic nature illuminated safely and freely in her radiance. Her shining soul resonating vibrations of safety, trust and understanding all in tune with his.

Gentle laughter and conversation, the relaxed intimate talk of lovers. Stroking her hair gently a small gesture, a loving gesture and one much welcomed. Later there would be time for fun for both but now…. just now the bond between them symbolised and visual in her collar carefully chosen by him, both had feelings of contentment and being in sync

Flirting

My brain has moments of very random thoughts. One that popped into my head was a comment on flirting that reminded me of some times when out with my mate. Its something I am totally shit at! Totally and truly terrible, both at actually flirting with someone and recognising when they are flirting with me. My best friend despairs at me and on one occasion had her head in her hands laughing hysterically; think partly in pain too at my stupidity.

On a night out we were randomly talking and laughing with a group of guys covered in glitter, I thought that they were all gay & just friendly…. nope! Apparently I was totally wrong on that one, as usual according to my friend. One of them was straight, very much flirting and at points unseen by me staring down my cleavage- I genuinely did not notice. Maybe I did see him look, but my boobs always gather some attention and I was wearing a wonderbra as well, so they couldnt really be missed! Its allegedly not the first time either according to my friend. It has happened numerous times we been out that men have hit on me and I just was oblivious. I just thought that people were being nice and friendly and chatting just as I do. Nope they were being nice and had an aim in mind, only time I have actually realised is when a 6ft 7 guy got down on his knees in the street to talk to me (am a lot smaller) and begged me for sex. Cue shock on my face, bestie pissing herself at my reaction and me asking “Why?”

thats it. Thats the crux of why I never notice or am bad at flirting I think; I dont expect anyone to find me attractive. Yes my breasts are totally amazing but they do make me a bit self conscious in clothes. Often they dont sit properly, too tight but in my head I still fight that phrase I was told “boobs great- shame about face”. Now in my 40s I still dont think I am attractive but give much less of a shit. Still surprised if anyone pays me a compliment and god forbid I realise that someone is flirting with I am sure I would ask them where there guide dog is!

Was asked in work one day why was flirting with someone and I didnt realise I was. They just make me laugh, the “banter” between us on the infrequent occasions our paths cross is such a stress relief and sarcasm has definately increased. Thats really my approach, bat eyelashes a bit, give big smiles (masks dont help just now!) as well as subtly I think, I hope pushing my boobs to your attention. Mostly its being as sarcastic as hell and seeing your reaction, if I am extremely polite then either I dont know you, dont like you or want something… I may have this backwards a bit..

So there you are, random brain fart thoughts on flirting. Bring on the funnies, make me laugh but dont expect me to notice if you do flirt….

Collared

Well this was an interesting experience. It was in fact slightly disconcerting if I am truly honest. On my wishlist on twitter I had a posture collar from Ann Summers, and have just had this bought for me. Trying it on today after it arrived was what has unsettled me.

Anyone who has read my other blog posts knows I am exploring my D/s tendencies. I am a submisdive, with an attitude a mile wide; pushing until I am put back in my place. Dont know if it a strict Dom I need or what, hell I even said ‘yes daddy’ in response to one of Cole Wolfwoods videos (still shocked at it by the way)- but the collar….. I tried it on and felt… comfortable. Complete. Safe. It has confirmed my natural inclination as submissive and seeking a strong Dominant. A string woman naturally, in fact by necessity, daughter of feminists its a hard thing to admit. Yet deep down I know, exploring D/s within a safe secure supportive group in the Safewords Club and reading friends stories online I understand the symbolic importance of collars. In fact reading the formal collar ceremony between BTO & TDRL brought tears to my eyes of the depth of true love they have.

I am without a Dominant. My “Lewis” I did want to ask to help me be my first but that didnt happen. I may be fortunate in future to align with another or not, but I understand now much much more. This posture collar, which I am *cough* honest enough to admit may need an extra hole in it as my thick neck from rugby means its very tight (& I am not Camille Chat by any means) but how it felt was overwhelming. It was right, homely, safe and surprising.

A submissive, kitten, little or what ever nomenclature you choose, I am with you. This collar I bought for the purpose of taking sexy photos for my twitter page, but it has confirmed to me what I have missed out on and do wish I had the chance to try… submission and bondage. The high neckbis excellent for my poor posture- I need something for my shoulders too, as have been bent hiding big heavy chest since age 13 hoping to pass unnoticed; the ring on it. Sexy, powerful, my imagination ticking away. Rope tied to it,secuting me to frame for use by Dominant. Perhaps tie my arms and wrists too…. the possibilties astound me.

I am unclaimed. My OH not interested in D/s. My “Lewis” gone. My shock at ‘yes daddy’ all combined into an instant erotic sensory overload. My use of this collar will be simply for photos for twitter…. but for the first time in a while I know for definate what I was born to have. A very strong, Dominant who will manage to control me, provide a safe space and tolerate my bratty attitude of eye rolls, eyebrow raises but use their voice and perhaps this collar to tame me…

Moving forward.

At the moment I am feeling a bit stuck. Perhaps it is simply my mood, so I have got into the habit of writing it down so excuse me whilst I ramble slightly. I have been bit off in terms of mood, my medication affects sensation and and lubrication in vagina. It affects sex and I am going to look at reducing it. I am interested in D/s particularly curious about impact play and restraints. Getting my focus off work and back to calm. It wont happen as my other half is not interested in this, not for them.

I love being part of the discussions twice weekly in The Safewords Club, its fascinating to hear what others do and experience. How its adapted into their busy lives, challenged with reality of dynamics, work and family. Its really opened my eyes to what I am missing, which is a bit of a regret. The group are amazingly diverse and welcoming to all, and so glad I joined it. Last night was difficult and I felt like I had very little to contribute and that feeling was simply amplified by depression beating me that day.

Discussions around what kinks/experiences were on individual ‘no’ that actually made it to ‘maybe’ or ‘ok’ and what caused the transistions. Seeing it advertised thinking to get the pen and paper out and make a list of what you think was my plan… however my mind wasnt in it. Which is such a shame as I feel I missed a good discussion, I knew prior to it I couldnt add anything as my experiences in D/s are not a lot but my mental state had went too far down. I felt like an outsider which looking at it logically in the bright light of day I have never been made to feel it.

Whats next for me? Hopefully continued improving mood and avoiding the big dips. Accepting that you will never have experiences you desire is extremely painful, that pain can occasionally flare up. How do I keep my head above it? I think thats my challenge. How do I keep my interest? Well its about reading lovely blogs and stories long & short, allowing my imagination to flourish when looking at images (& if quick enough- write them down!). Most of all continuing to engage with those who inspire me and fascinate me, joining in even if my experiences are limited in the D/s community. Got to keep on with public face and let the real me loose, my ‘Alice’ persona. Got to keep my smile in place and find a way to let out frustrations xxx

Apologies for rambling to any who reads xxx 💖

Bravery….

A time when I was brave for this weeks Wicked Wednesday prompt. Honestly, I could give you loads of romanticised examples of childbirth, mental health, nursing in pandemic etc but I wont. I have decided to be simple, joining NSFW Twitter. I am a curvaeous.. well chubby to be more honest, spent my life being told I am not very attractive and my interest in D/s was abnormal and wrong. Therefore over the years I have suppressed my desires and wild nature and our jobs added on extra layer of conformity.

My looming (now past) 40th birthday was in my head,was always my scary age so I decided to push myself personally as I had professionally. Internally my devillish, impish side begging to be let loose (she can be fun) and so I set up this NSFW ccount. On it I have flashed boobs, bum, legs, bellies and smiles to those who follow me. Anonmously allowing the real me to let loose, explore who I am and could have been, allow years of repression out.

Its brave as I am letting people look at me in various states of physical dress or undress, emotionally undress my desires in writing and I dont let many in too deep. Yet, I am not as brave as others as I dont show my face online despite feeling more sexually free and confident than I have in about 20 years but its not a competition. What I do here is brave and so is my offline persona, I put on a smile and carry on. I keep my public face on and continue in extreme vanilla. Suppressing who I really am for those I love most, denying what I really wish to try but allow ‘Alice’ to exist in writings and NSFW Twitter page. I am brave in that I acknowledge who I am now, but hold it in. The past 16 months has been challenging professionally of my career, but in finding and maintaining ‘Alice’ I had an outlet. Few know who I really am, only my best friend knows deep down who I am and she encourages ‘Alice’ traits fully as she knows and loves me more than I do.

Who am I? Nobody really, according to my upbringing except too stupid, fat, ugly ec, but now I am brave. I started ignoring those demons and thanks to many on here, including my ‘Lewis’ I am becoming more free and ‘Alice’ is alive and well.

Breast love

I lick around her nipples. Appreciating the raised bumps on the areola. Gently rolling the nipple with my tongue as I stroke her soft skin around the rest of her breast. Moving my hands up I stroke towards the shoulder and release my mouth from one nipple to the other…

Again gently rolling it with my tongue but the hand moves to stroke her neck and hair. Without breaking eye contact I let go to shower kisses on her neck. My full lips place firm kisses up and down as my hands hold hers and lift them above her head. Waiting to hear a moan…..

I now turn my attention back to your nipples going between them with a firm grasp of your breasts in my hands. Starting to play with the nipples by sucking more and more firmly, I reach up to stroke your chin. Your skin is soft, more so than I had imagined and I rub my thumb over your lips….

Releasing your nipples I am desperate to kiss your full sensous mouth and receive a hungry kiss in return. Smiling impishly mid kiss you grab my heavy breasts and pinch my nipple hard! I move away and grab the ice cubes beside the bed, popping one in my mouth I grab your nipple in my mouth and you gasp at the sensation change. Removing it I slowly run the ice around your nipple watching the melting water run down your breast… swapping to the other one and repeating this. Turning you on. Contrasting the warmth of my skin with the cold of the ice.

Rock solid your nipples stand to attention and you thrust them to me to grab, pinch, pull, suck and nibble over and over again… until you are begging me to place my fingers inside you….

Patience

Aristotle said Patience is a virtue. It is not one I am blessed with naturally. Parenthood demanded a lot of patience especially with a disabled child. In fact, I have had to learn it and in reality feel as though I am being forced to be patient when I would rather not be sometimes. I have no choice despite trying in several different ways.

I am interested more in D/s, trying introduce it into the bedroom first. My other half is not interested sadly. Not his thing. Not for everyone. However, there have been times when I feel both my lack of patience or my control of it, as swearing at other people calling them idiots etc is something HR have a problem with, despite their rudeness to me; should be rewarded/punished through various means. I mean is putting me over your knee and spanking me hard a big issue?…….

Patience is a virtue I keep repeating to myself… also I do keep repeating to myself a fantasy of being spanked and that keeps me going….

A tail for me…

A tale. Or.. a tail? Well how about a tale of a tail ladies and gentlemen? Who knew about such things? A year or so ago not me……

Exploring anal began first by getting other half drunk enough to try. I loved it- he didnt. Then my wonderful best friend recommended a butt plug. I do love them especially metal with a sparkly jewel. The cold hard steel forcing my arse open then sliding in with an almost orgasmic sigh… then trousers on and nobody knows. Just a middle aged plain mum smiling away…. smiling as the plug is filling her ass..

Next step a tail….. starting off with a cute pink fluffy tail… glass dildo and a surprise as it was longer and cool… but oh so yum! Till I sat down on the chair at dinner… rookie mistake…my next one is a longer tail

That ‘D’ word….

I have been reflecting on the fact that I have totally surprised.. no in fact, I have shocked myself lately. I said it. Those words. The ones I thought I would never say… nope it wasnt (very sadly) that “I’m skinny” (I wish!) this ex-rugby forward has got plenty of padding…what I said was “Yes Daddy”.

Exploring the world of Dominance and submission, indeed my own sexual self-being after years of respression, has admittedly surprised me on occasion. However, never to the extent of saying that phrase! I am in my real “normal” life strong willed, tough, stubborn with beautiful dark eyebrows; if one of those rises up then it shows you that you are in trouble! This is often deployed at work in the tough role I have or in the fact I am not impressed in the slightest and can give an accompanying eye roll. As an ex-rugby forward this curvy mouthy brat could knock you on your ass…but I still said and meant those words.

Exploring myself through writing, NSFW Twitter, friends on there and through chats in the bi weekly forum on SafeworD/s Club, I have identified myself as being more of a submissive than Dominant. A bratty submissive who will one day fight you and giggle as you need to physically make her submit; one who will on occasions happily submit and one who on other days when her anxieties and fears overwhelm her will wish to crawl on your lap. Be held in tight embraces with my head tucked under your chin (being a short arse helps), wanting you to take the pain away.

Trying to define what type of submissive was the last blog post and the general consensus was dont bother. Just be you. Whatever you are. Work on it with your Dominant together through open and honest communication, because that is what is at the centre of any relationship either vanilla or kink… what works for you and your partner(s) not for others to pigeon hole.

So what is the issue then with the phrase “Yes Daddy” as compared to Sir/Master or female equivalents (apologies to the Dommes & Mummies-if those are the correct terms- I am not entirely sure what the appropriate ones are), well to be honest I dont really know. Avoiding all the Greek tragedy references that have made their way into modern language Odepius or Jocasta complexes, or general psychosexual obsessive writings of Sigmund…. it is perhaps because of its connotations for family. If you dear reader are going to the eugh gross place in your head then I may respectfully suggest you avoid either the rest of this post, or modern porn and its age kinks/step-family sex obsessions….

DD/lg or Caregiver/little appear to this neophyte to be based around central themes of love, protection and trust. These consenting adults enter into a D/s based around being soft, kind, supportive and caring. Perhaps a softer way than some of the Dominant approaches ensuring the subs well-being physically of drinking enough water, exercising, eating properly as well as mental well being of love and tenderness through cuddles and care. Its seems a much simpler, often impish dynamic, fun poked by one to the other involving gentle rebellion as well as whatever sexual acts both enjoy! I have read very open and honest examples of love and tenderness through the DD/lg dynamic as well as love with a little tougher, ok a lot bloody tougher- care and love in other D/s couples and dynamics. Its apples and oranges, pick your own fruit people!

As for me, I never thought that I would say “Yes Daddy” whilst being extremely turned on by a certain situation; jeez am 40 for goodness sake & never wanted to say it before. There was only me that was present, nobody heard me and it took me a while to admit it to myself, but damn! I really meant it and said it again. If in the actual physical situation with that person would I imagine say it with trepidation at first but then no problems. It was instinctive, automatic reaction from a spell bound woman. The sound of the thud of the crop, counting down the slaps, the gentle but firm reminder of an error that required correcting….

So there it is. A new point to reflect upon, a situation that was extremely erotic and even now writing this blog I can feel my toes squirming slightly and my smile broadening… Another time or situation my response may be “bring it on!” With a cheeky grin and my whole body language screaming “make me” but would there I wonder be the ‘D’ word hovering on these luscious lips of mine as I grin out at him…….

Confused….

Exoring D/s as a newbie I am learning a whole lexicon of new terms. Exploring purely online in past year I have (virtually) met some fantastic supportive people. Who have been open to sharing information and experiences in order to increase my understanding. Learn, share, reflect grow and most importantly never judging. Thats so important as growing up and throughout my adult life, people I know have shamed people, mostly women, for exploring their sexuality.

I have identified that I am a submissive but…. I dont know what type. Can I be more than one? Am I a squishy blob of round peg trying to fit into a neat round hole?

If I have met on rare occasions someone who seems to be Dominant I can actually feel myself submitting. I have a very strong will by nature and need in my work life as well as issues in personal life. I do push my luck a LOT. I will push boundaries frequently until I get a response and push back. Then I will back down and submit or push back with a “make me” attitude welcoming a good fight. Grab me and get me to submit, indeed there have been days when I have extremely stressed out I would have welcomed this. Stress relief through physical action, my overthinking brain a way to be quiet. All of which made me think I am a bratty submissive, or certainly one with an attitude a mile wide.

Then there are days when, perhaps due to my depression or anxiety I feel very needy. I love cuddles, I am a very tactile person and want to held, stroked and generally taken care of. I will seek safety and comfort as I want to lie with my head on you, skin to skin if I can, wrapping my arms around you. Does that make me a little?

Is it possible to cross over submissive types and be more than one? Am I concentrating more on a definition and not potential experiences?

Can anyone please help?