Bad Habits…

Christ I have a fair few. Every year I repeatedly remind myself I need to stop binge eating, lose weight and stop biting nails. Never happened yet…..

What I do need to stop is overthinking and blaming myself for everything. As a result of childhood trauma I tend to blame myself a lot, overthink every situation and mentally beat myself up for many things. It plays havoc with my mental health and is a toxic bad habit.

My poor writing, lack of focus and poor language caused a problem a month ago. It was discussed and rectified…. but I cant forgive myself for pain I caused. The situation has been talked through…but I cant let it go.

What this bad habit does is gnaw at me. Undermining my confidence in myself and builds up in my brain overthinking. I need to stop it.. am hurting myself and to quote Elsa I have got to ‘let it go’…

Goodbye 2020…….

I had hoped that turning 40 this year would have been more fun. Starting this blog was a way, plus my naughty Twitter, on expressing myself. My true self. The one I have hidden for a long time, I have been writing my thoughts and feelings in tweets and people have been kind enough to give positive reviews. My increasingly exhibitionist pictures have given me an outlet for my naughty streak that must stay controlled.

I have begun exploring and reading around D/s and while I think I am more submissive I still find it difficult to reconcile my fiery argumentative nature with desire to be dominated. 2020 has given me an eye opener, a slight insight but perhaps my at points severe depression would not lend itself to it.

I had hoped 2020 would be a good year personally and professionally. Though it has not worked out that way- but same as been for many. I wanted to feel happy & more positive, ended up severely depressed & back under mental health team. Wanted to lose 3 stone- only 5 to go! Flirted with a twitter crush who has gone and I miss him and the laughter. Professionally I was seconded to a senior role and fought my way through it with COVID for 9 months. My job deals with it 24/7 and it has nearly broken me, I gave up my temporary promotion. I would have had it permanently but COVID almost destroyed my mental health.

The Balmoral Hotel in Edinburgh has its clock set 3 minutes fast to help commuters catch their train, then on Hogmanay they match the countdown. This year they are not doing this. There will be no street party, no traditional celebrations and they wont change as nobody wants extra 3 minutes of this year!

To all of you I wish the very best. If I have hurt anyone through any comments that have been said/typed before my brain thought it through, I apologise. To all you wonderful people who have made me laugh and feel welcome thank you so very much xxx

Meeting her desires

This was something that she had secretly desired. A fantasy that was hidden deep for so long and now there was a light shining upon it. The light of opportunity, the light of chance and the chance she took…..to be used. Fully. Completely. In all holes whilst bound.

A chair. Rope. Lube and 5 guys. A room and a friend there to maintain her safety and to be totally honest..comfort and security feeling. What more could a girl ask for?

Arriving there and undressing herself for the night, her friend was there with lube and water for her. After all, she would need to stay hydrated to last the night. Safewords agreed, a deep breath and in she went to a room, and saw a spotlight upon the chair she would sit in. A nice touch, shining the light on her fantasy chair. One that was padded, and her legs were to be held open and up like a gynaecology chair, allowing easy access. Lying on her back to allow access to her throat as well. Smiling she made herself comfortable and in walked the 5 men. Naked, beginning to be aroused, masked. She was to be fucked by 5 strangers, not knowing who they were and be used for pleasure. It was exciting and she could feel her nipples harden and her juices start to flow with excitement. Smiling she watched as they all began to stroke themselves hard as they watched her become secured in the chair. She couldnt move, couldnt see what was happening as they moved towards her.

Her friend once she was secure smiled down at her, and gave her a big full kiss for a few moments. She gasped mid-kiss as she felt hands all over her, pinching her nipples, stroking her skin; then a tongue gently exploring in between her legs and tasting her wetness. ‘Enjoy’ he whispered as he stood back, hands all over her more insistently stroking her. She began to feel more aroused and excited, then a blindfold placed over her eyes heightened her other senses. Hearing the rough ragged breaths as they approached her, her breasts rising and falling. Hands more insistent grabbing, fingers replacing tongues. Bringing her to the edge of orgasm again and again and then allowing her to release into intense orgasm. Mouth opened as she yells in joy and then it was filled by a cock. Lips wrapped around it, sucking and feeling it move in and out her mouth pushing all the way to the back of her throat. Gagging on his cock, he withdrew slightly and the same time another man slammed himself into her pussy. An orgasm built and exploded but she couldnt move as the ropes held her in place.

That evening she was used, over and over again. All holes were used over and over, filled again and again. Orgasms again and again, sweaty from exertions they were all grunting and groaning. The blindfold was suddemly removed and ropes untied. Her friend was there and the men helped her to sit on the floor, surrounded by them all she knew what was going to happen. Grinning she smiled up at them all, at them each stroking furiously at their dicks, all of which had recently been in her mouth, pussy or ass. A grunt brought her back to the moment as ropes of hot cum landed all over her neck and breasts. Rubbing in his cum over her breasts it was swiftly followed by four more loads.

All men grinned then silently walked away leaving her sat there on the floor covered in cum. Messy, used, satisfied and grinning from ear to ear. Certainly happy but wait…. wasnt there a 6th cock that needed emptied?…..

A spanking…

Reading so many wonderful erotic writers stories on Twitter and via kindle certainly sets fire to a sexually frustrated imagination. During reading a fantastically hot blog by @KinkyKatie 9 in which she vividly describes desire and humiliation in ‘I may get groped’- please read it because it is a brilliant fantasy! It got me thinking of ideas around public humiliation and being used or examined in public and it was a thrill. Another vividly descriptive erotic writer is the luscious, lovely self-confessed ‘verbivore’ the multi-lingual @InsomniaErotica, whose description from her ‘memory palace’ of an event in a sex club left me feeling very hot and bothered! Description of being focus of a gangbang and others watching as well as participating was an intense thought. The common thread is that both are obvious erotic arousal are publicly acknowledged and obvious, and enjoyed.

Thinking as to why obvious sexual excitement and activity are a fantasy and turn on must relate to my Catholic upbringing, sex was associated with shame and stigma. Not to be discussed, seen and quite frankly I think it was not meant to be enjoyed! Suppression of sexual desire and discussion continued into early adulthood, trying to explore sexuality as a young woman was again pushed back, D/s was seen as deviant and any overt expressions of sexuality frowned upon. On googling, (always a hit or miss experience), erotic or public humiliation and BDSM the first things that pop up are porn. Not really much help or realistic, and other comments/warnings regarding kinky behaviour in public for the BDSM community. Seems to be however that there are differences in interpretation. Consent (always first & foremost) regarding limits, like wearing of erotic underwear or not in public, words used etc. Now my experiences are very limited and all theoretical but, in adult Jackanory time I want to tell you a story. A fantasy of mine that has been in my head.

I have been given instructions from a friend, an experienced Dom who has agreed to help me experience what I want. He has arranged a gathering of friends who are all involved in kink community and be supportive of my needs. I shall not be the only submissive who will be experiencing fantasy desires tonight. We have had extensive discussions and agreed all limits and safety as well as desires. I arrive for the evening and will be fully dressed to start. I am waiting nervously in a side room with another submissive, who looks at me nervously and we exchange smiles. Sat together we subconsciously shuffle closer & he squeezes my hand in support. Then the door opens and Dom in charge holds his hand out and asks us both to walk through and be seated on these chairs near the back.

Looking around the room I see there are about 20 people waiting and chatter gradually stops as they look at us. A mixture of Doms and Submissives, male and female in both categories all look at us and I can immediately feel my cheeks aflame at the knowing smiles around the room.

“Friends I am glad now to formally welcome you to the main part of tonight, welcoming two people who are Submissives and relatively new to our community and here to enjoy time with us and fulfilling a fantasy they have each confessed too. Mistress Raven is happy to take JF for his and I will bring RM to the floor to begin”. Turning to me he waves me forward and hand outstretched as I approach he brings me to the middle of the floor and quietly, so only I can hear whispers to me “now are you still sure? Its is different agreeing before you have everyone looking at you”, I nod and say that I am sure and smile nervously. A reassuring smile in return he turns back to everyone else, “RM has again confirmed she is happy to proceed & I know her safewords. As she is not yet in a dynamic, we have agreed tonight she will wear this training collar that I have here and obey my commands”; a thick black leather collar is held up and in his other hand is a lead. My cheeks flush and I can feel my heart quicken partly with excitement, partly with the knowledge I will be collared like an animal. On a leash I will be like a dog being taken for a walk and pulled about, he fastens it gently on me to many smiles around the room and I am taken aback suddenly. It is comfortable, more so than I expected, the leather is soft and worn and to my total shock (and thrill) I feel more safe and secure. That I was not expecting at all.

“RM”, his voice suddenly more authoritative and signalling a move into more Dom mode as he addressed the waiting audience, “has identified that she naturally is rather bratty, but she has been warned that too much brattiness and I may surprise her by allowing another Dom to join in”, uh oh… I had forgotten that warning and could feel my feet shuffle slightly as knowing laughter from a few echoed in the room. I was wearing a plain black comfortable dress, matching black & teal underwear, stockings and and flats… and now a collar. “RM remove your shoes, dress, and stockings now”, a deep breath and the flushing from head to toe of the humiliation of others seeing me naked and all my wobbly bits, I keep my head down. He brings my head up once I have obeyed and looks me in the eyes, “eyes up and look at me and the others- no hiding your gaze. You will not be able to hide your body soon..” I do not do well with others staring at me, it is difficult as I have been told that I am not attractive, so used to being in background. I nod, my chin is quickly cupped firmly “I must remind you that I require spoken acknowledgement throughout if you are ungagged”, a deep breath “yes..yes Sir” I stutter out quietly. A nod of approval and I can see necks being craned as people stare at me. I have shapely calves, thick thighs, small firm bum but big ungainly feet for my short stature. Moving up my shape all gathers in the middle, my belly is Mothers apron, curvy and full, with large heavy breasts, large nipples broad shoulders and flashing blue eyes. My eyes are expressive, as are my eyebrows and quick to rise and betray my moods…a bratty face indeed.

His hand stroking the back of my shoulders brings my attention to the moment, feeling him behind me I have no option but to look forward at those watching. Men and women smiling as they stare at me, Doms/Dommes seated in chairs slightly higher than their Subs, some of whom are sat on the floor heads in laps. All are focused on me. My bra is removed and falls to the floor as my breasts are cupped, “clamps are needed here I think” and then I feel the delicious tight grip of fingers punching my large nipples drawing a surprised gasp from me. From behind my nipples are pinched, pulled as I feel hot breath on my neck, my heart beat increases and I can feel my body tingle in enjoyment. Flushed again as I become aware of growing excitement in public and then they are swiftly applied, a set of nipple clamps. I use these myself and enjoy the feeling but never in front of others, and I squirm in shame of being aroused in public. Next, a chain is attached to the collar, and i am spun round firmly, wide eyed I look up into the face of the Dom, smiling at me he steps back pulling me with him as an unknown hand begins to remove my last vestiges of privacy, my knickers and takes all my clothes away from the centre of the room.

Smiling at me I am ordered to stand straight, shoulders back and chest out and we begin to walk towards the crowd. Wrapping the chain around his left fist he picks up a crop in his right, we start walking around the waiting group stopping at the other Doms to allow them to look and comment on me. This is definately public humiliation for me and part of my brain is terrified, part of it exhiliarated at the blatant exhibitionism it has wanted to enjoy for years. A comment on my lack of height makes me raise an eyebrow to one of the seated Doms, whack a short sharp sting of the crop to my bum cheek makes me gasp in surprise… “Brat warning 1 of 3 only” I am cautioned. Swallowing my argumentative side I try to remain impassive as I reply ‘yes Sir’. The parade amongst strangers goes on, my breasts are felt, a submissive asks her Dom if she may pull my nipple chain for fun, a quick intake of breath I had not expected this! Smiling both Doms agree and my nipples are duly tugged, ‘Daddy they are huge breasts’ she exclaims to smiles all round.

After what feels and age, but was only 10 minutes I am told that I shall now be inspected by the Dom who is leading me. Terrified, thrilled, horrified, ashamed I feel my sex tingle with need and anticipation. My back straightens and I tremble slightly, being instructed to hold my arms by my side I feel a crop trailing gently over my shoulders and under my chin, pushing my head up with a smile it is commented on how good I look with a training collar on, ” thank you” I reply to a slight smack of the crop “thank you Sir” I hastily reply. A nod and the crop trails its way down my breasts, caressing them till I feel it tap my nipples, causing me to wince in pain and pleasure.

I take a step back at this and told to remain still and open legs a bit wider. The crop then trails up the inside of my leg and I feel my sex tingle with the anticipation and delight; it is removed as the Dom walks around and then strikes my rear. The swish sound causing me to jump slightly, “RM open your legs to a wider stance NOW”. I feel myself blush and a completely unconscious huff escapes alongside an arched eyebrow, a simultaneous hiss of breath from several Doms who saw my face and the hard thwack on my arse cheek which caused a ‘ow’ growl from me. “Brat warning 2 of 3 RM” now stand still. Trying to control my breathing and face, I focused on one of the Doms ahead ofme who was smiling staring at the swinging chain between my nipples. He seemed to be enjoying staring at my breasts, admiring me blantantly and I began to feel my sex tingle with desire and my horror at enjoying being stared at.

Suddenly, I felt the Dom standing right behind me, “RM are you still comfortable with what we agreed next?”… “Yes Sir” I agreed quietly, nervously, excitedly knowing what was next. “Now lets see how RM is enjoying herself shall we?” and from behind a finger, then two were gently placed inside me: “RM is wet and definately enjoying herself, although I think you could use some extra lubricant as I know it is needed”. A nod from me in gratitude for discretion, as an older woman sometimes lube is needed and the lubed up fingers were reinserted and then started to stimulate me. Gasping suddenly I noticed a few tell tale twinges beginning and as his thumb was applied to my clit expertly twirling away in circles my control was starting to go, gasps gave away how I was feeling and my chest started rising and falling faster and faster. “Quietly RM, no noise and I want you to ask permission before you have an orgasm”… this increased my desire immediately as I am not quiet but having an orgasm in front of others was not something I had consciously thought about…

Another finger. Three and a thumb, pleasure building. Pressure increasing. Could I stay quiet, staring straight ahead I saw the same Dom smirk at me daring me to make a noise, which was red rag to a brat like me. My face was fighting to stay calm, but I wanted to yell out as I felt it building and from the depths of me I could not contain myself. The orgasm hit me like a roar from my soul. Cascading over me and my legs twitching…the Dom in front smirked. Shit! Not a good sign…..

Smiles around the room. The Dom in front stood up in response to a signal I could not see. Both Doms were going to work together on me and now I wondered if I could take it. Suddenly I was blindfolded, the soft satin gentle on my eyes, then the command of ‘open’ and a bit gag was placed in my mouth causing me to drool. My body started shivering, nerves, anticipation or cold… I did not know but I felt two strong hands on my upper arms to reassure me. Firm pressure and reassuring voice and then the collar was grabbed firmly and lead forward to the company…

“RM has shown her brat attitude. However, as she is new let us be kind..” a ripple of laughter and I hear furniture being moved about. Scraping and noise that I could not see my brain went into overtime…my face must have betrayed my nerves as suddenly my gag was removed and I was asked to clearly state if I am still comfortable continuing…I replied ‘Yes I am’, no way was I giving up now! “RM I will give you a bell to hold and replace your gag… if you wish to stop drop the bell. Do you understand?” “Yes Sir” and I hear “Good girl” and a warmth spreads through me at that…a new sensation….

The gag was replaced and I was lead forward gently and carefully till I felt a wooden structure. “RM brnd forward and I will position you in these stocks for neck and arm holds”… ohhh stocks! Like a criminal on public display, unable to move and see (or speak) my mind raced ahead, more extreme than I had expected….imagining being fucked from both front and behind…’click’ of the lock brought me back to the present. I could smell the wood and wiggled till I was comfortable. A cold bell was placed in my right hand, “drop it and we stop”- a nod from me. A low hum suddenly caught my attention… a vibration… this threw me I thought I was going to be spanked again..crack suddenly the crop struck my clit and caught me off guard..knees buckling slightly and clit pulsed in pain and pleasure.

“Time to increase the fun RM. You bratted so now two of us will enjoy ourselves on you”…I couldnt reply except drool a bit, that was humiliating. My cheeks burned more at that public etiquette lapse than my nudity. The humming noise was louder and all of a sudden the intensity of a wand was applied to my clit causing instant build up of pleasure shooting through my clit and squiming from me… right after the crop! The pain and pleasure was intense and the sounds leaving my mouth were ones I did not believe I would have been able to make. Sheer animalistic pleasure, drool built up but I barely noticed at that point. Then wand stooped leaving me gasping in sheer orgasmic joy, my legs trembling and if it wasnt for being held in the stocks I thought my legs would give way. My hair was suddenly grasped roughly and I was suddenly face to face with another Dom… the one who challenged my inner brat. His dark brown brown eyes staring into my cold blue ones, grinning wickedly at me, enjoying seeing me in this position I felt another crack of the crop on my ass. Still staring me directly in the face, holding my head up as I felt one, two, three hard smacks of the crop on my clit. Moaning in shock and pleasure I broke eye contact and he let go of my hair and my head dropped.

Feeling the crop trace down my legs, I could hear the hum of the wand begin again…. I began to feel my clit swell again. Could I handle more? My clit was not sure at all! The crop stung my swollen sensitive clit, followed immediately by the wand and I screamed behind the gag. Spit, drool all flecking out as my body convulsed in painful orgasm, my nipples were rock solid and my back arched in glorious pleasure and pain. Again and again I had hard screaming orgasms,pleasure coursing through my veins, rock solid nipples and hands on my hips holding me in place. My hands suddenly spasmed and I dropped what I was holding…

A hush fell over the room as the little bell tinkled on the floor. Its gentle sweet tingle was incongruous in the setting, and my brain focused on it in surprise. The next thing I realised was that there was a soft, warm blanket over my back and the stocks were being opened. All restraints and ball gag was removed gently and I was held in a caring embrace, gently and tenderly told to stand up. ‘I didnt mean to drop it sorry’ I stammered, my chest gasping and my mouth dry. I suddenly realised that I needed a drink and a seat, ‘RM we agreed that if dropped, intentional or not, we would stop and you have dropped it. Time to come with me’.

Leading me to the back of the room into the original anteroom, never once letting go and ensuring I remained covered by the blanket at all times; I realised that I felt safe. This was aftercare.

I was sat down and given water to drink, remained wrapped in the blanket. ‘Please remain here as long as you wish. You will possibly feel a drop afterwards as your adrenalin fades. This is normal. I am here and you will be safe. We can return to the main room when you are ready, I would like you to keep the collar on and wear pants only. Can you do this?’ Nodding as I drank water, I could feel my feel my body being to shake. The blanket remained around me still, I felt calm and safe.

As I been to gain more awareness of my surroundings I could hear sounds from the main room. Including the thwack of the crop, the murmur of appreciative and supportive crowd of people. All there to enjoy what was happening, welcoming new people into the community. Helping them to explore who they were and give them new pleasurable or painful experiences. All exploring Dominance or submission, sharing experiences and learning.

Day 16..

A glass of Christmas cheer to me means alcohol… or is that a Scottish response? πŸ€”πŸ˜πŸΈ

Today I was however set a challenge to use a glass dildo on myself. I dont actually have one but have recently bought but not yet used a Christmas tree shaped butt plug from Bondara. That will do (with a lot of lube!), but it wasnt very comfortable compared to my other buttplugs

Day 15

Day 15 of Safewords Club Advent already! First of all…. how? This year has been like my underwear today and gone! Todays challenge involves going commando.

Day off for me luckily as was certainly not going to go commando in my hideous polyester cheap, poor fitting NHS uniform trousers. Instead I was away up town and in my tight fit jeans.

Not as sexy as I remember from younger. To be honest it was a bit uncomfortable as I miss my lovely style and comfortable lingerie…. does that make me old? πŸ€”

Appointments, shopping and visit to the mothership (who is part of our bubble) I did feel rather self-conscious. I think I was squirming a bit more at the rubbing and slight chafing from my jeans.

Looking forward to my pyjamas… so yeah I guess I am getting old…πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜πŸ˜˜

Day 14..

I have missed several days of Advent calendar please excuse me xxx a Christmas fantasy is the topic today.

Christmas is a time for sharing and good girls and boys get rewarded… well that sounds fun to me! Santa has 8 reindeer to pull his sleigh. How about Mrs Claus’ present is eight men in reindeer masks (tails optional) who sacks she empties……

2020 ends…

Thank goodness! 2020 has been a year of contrasts…… and a shit show to boot! πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ

2020 was meant to be my year. Turning 40 I had all these plans, I was going to find my courage, explore my sexuality, lose 3 stone and generally enjoy the year……

Well I started off by joining Twitter and flashing boobs to you lot. Exploring who I am with some lovely kind people encouraging and supporting me. Total crushing on someone who I wondered if I could ask to be online Dom to help support each other in discovery. Recommend to join and loving the Safewords Club!

But some nasty shit of a coronavirus kinda put a dampener on the worlds plans….. definately mine! Work went crazy, weight went up not down- wanted to loose 3 stone but only 5 to go bitches πŸ–πŸ– my desires increased but home sex life went down, my crush was increasing and just a bawhair before I had courage to ask… poof! He was gone! Workload crazy againand suddenly its Christmas! I mean… how?! πŸŽ„πŸŽ„

People ask about resolutions for each New Year… should we make any? This year I may not make resolutions but instead have some hopes for myself…. I hope I lose weight, I hope that my feelings for crush go, I hope that I enjoy myself more.

That last hope is the one I want most. 2020 taken severe toll on my mental health, especially just now, but looking forward my friend is suggesting things we WILL do and see….

I raise a Christmas glass of cheer to you all πŸŽ„πŸΈπŸŽ„πŸ₯‚ and when I blink and suddenly Hogmanay arrives that it brings a kinder 2021 πŸ₯‚πŸ₯‚πŸ₯‚

If it doesnt…. I better prepare my liver!

Day 8

Day 8 of Advent was about 8 minutes of nipple play. I use clamps sometimes on myself so thought that this be no different… well the intensity of clamps must be a bit lower! My nipples complained the whole time and the rush of blood and sensitivity afterwards was painful… not the most fun day so far!