Monday was a very challenging day at work. Mondays are always busy days for us, add in that we are below minimum levels for our staff it was not a surprise that it is tough time just now. The stress of the global pandemic has made it tougher, plus not a sleep equals a rather crabby cow. Not a great combination.
My job is challenging, nobody likes to be told off for being wrong, but this is MY speciality work. We are the experts employed in this field and the attitude I got that day from “professionals” was usual shit but felt more magnified. How I managed impressed the trainee…. internalising it all is a trick I learned. What it did make me think of was coming home with my emotions. Driving I was tense and angry, usual music didnt help. I needed a release from this agitation. I was seeking that reset in a safe manner, not wanting to hurt anyone whilst simultaneously ready to wrestle anyone.
I have sharp sarcastic tongue, mouth that works faster than my brain’s speedbumps and blessed with beautiful sculpted eyebrows. Well they were sculptedpre lockdown (bloody COVID) and they are very expressive. Maintaining a poker face is aconstant battle, I often roll my eyes out loud I have been told and the eyebrow quickly arches in such a way that Mr Spock would be proud. My natural born attitude seems to be a very Scottish ‘did ye, aye?’ approach with a side of ‘mon then’ daring…..I believe its defined as “bratty”…. one to make a Doms crop twitch I am sure.
When younger I could take out this frustration on the rugby pitches, trying not to be told off by a referee whilst growling “yes Sir” when I was. Respectfully of course.. it is rugby & I.would be under a team fine… Right now, my batteredold body cannot even go to the gym to let loose… even then on those occasions there was always a component missing… the release was only partly achieved through exhaustion. So what is it I am seeking?
I think its a release of tension and a peace of mind. I am a chronic overthinker, my brain does not ever really settle into peace. It churns constantly, flitting constantly from topic to topic rarely settling. Reading some accounts/story threads from both a Dominant and Submissives perspective elegantly expressed by @TDRL_BTO77 who are a most devotws, loving couple in a D/s dynamic; has opened my eyes wider this past year. The stories that they have kindly shared (& allowed me to reference them) are excellent examples of these resets. What is clear when reading themis how in tune witheach others subtle nuances they are. BTO knowing that TDRL needed a reset to achieve Dom space & release of tension, deliberatwly challenged him with bratty behaviour. Subsequent session (please note… it sounded extremely hot from a vicarious readers perspective), helped achieve this balance. Flip side, and reading between lines of their exploits, you can clearly see the care and attention he devotes to assisting BTO to achieve subspace and her contentment. Love and devotion, D/s in action.
That contentment, safety and support is at the heart of every relationship be it kink or vanilla. How it is achieved is unique to each couple but what is becoming increasingly clear after stressful week is that may be the puzzle piece I am needing.
What did I get.. a sigh, look and huff noise with offer of a cup of tea. What I wanted was different. I needed a fight, I needed to push back to let out my demons and be put in my place. Internalising my anxiety and stress made me cross. Rolling my eyes at you and challenging your Dominance, seeking you to put me in my place. I would have pushed and pushed. I wanted to be grabbed, placed in restraints, hear the growl in a Doms voice telling me to behave or be punished. Gag me and tie me up or I will push you into the wall. Help me take my tension out and feel safe under your control. Help me reset, then rest at your side. Achieving the calm I seek so much…