Patience

Aristotle said Patience is a virtue. It is not one I am blessed with naturally. Parenthood demanded a lot of patience especially with a disabled child. In fact, I have had to learn it and in reality feel as though I am being forced to be patient when I would rather not be sometimes. I have no choice despite trying in several different ways.

I am interested more in D/s, trying introduce it into the bedroom first. My other half is not interested sadly. Not his thing. Not for everyone. However, there have been times when I feel both my lack of patience or my control of it, as swearing at other people calling them idiots etc is something HR have a problem with, despite their rudeness to me; should be rewarded/punished through various means. I mean is putting me over your knee and spanking me hard a big issue?…….

Patience is a virtue I keep repeating to myself… also I do keep repeating to myself a fantasy of being spanked and that keeps me going….

A tail for me…

A tale. Or.. a tail? Well how about a tale of a tail ladies and gentlemen? Who knew about such things? A year or so ago not me……

Exploring anal began first by getting other half drunk enough to try. I loved it- he didnt. Then my wonderful best friend recommended a butt plug. I do love them especially metal with a sparkly jewel. The cold hard steel forcing my arse open then sliding in with an almost orgasmic sigh… then trousers on and nobody knows. Just a middle aged plain mum smiling away…. smiling as the plug is filling her ass..

Next step a tail….. starting off with a cute pink fluffy tail… glass dildo and a surprise as it was longer and cool… but oh so yum! Till I sat down on the chair at dinner… rookie mistake…my next one is a longer tail

That ‘D’ word….

I have been reflecting on the fact that I have totally surprised.. no in fact, I have shocked myself lately. I said it. Those words. The ones I thought I would never say… nope it wasnt (very sadly) that “I’m skinny” (I wish!) this ex-rugby forward has got plenty of padding…what I said was “Yes Daddy”.

Exploring the world of Dominance and submission, indeed my own sexual self-being after years of respression, has admittedly surprised me on occasion. However, never to the extent of saying that phrase! I am in my real “normal” life strong willed, tough, stubborn with beautiful dark eyebrows; if one of those rises up then it shows you that you are in trouble! This is often deployed at work in the tough role I have or in the fact I am not impressed in the slightest and can give an accompanying eye roll. As an ex-rugby forward this curvy mouthy brat could knock you on your ass…but I still said and meant those words.

Exploring myself through writing, NSFW Twitter, friends on there and through chats in the bi weekly forum on SafeworD/s Club, I have identified myself as being more of a submissive than Dominant. A bratty submissive who will one day fight you and giggle as you need to physically make her submit; one who will on occasions happily submit and one who on other days when her anxieties and fears overwhelm her will wish to crawl on your lap. Be held in tight embraces with my head tucked under your chin (being a short arse helps), wanting you to take the pain away.

Trying to define what type of submissive was the last blog post and the general consensus was dont bother. Just be you. Whatever you are. Work on it with your Dominant together through open and honest communication, because that is what is at the centre of any relationship either vanilla or kink… what works for you and your partner(s) not for others to pigeon hole.

So what is the issue then with the phrase “Yes Daddy” as compared to Sir/Master or female equivalents (apologies to the Dommes & Mummies-if those are the correct terms- I am not entirely sure what the appropriate ones are), well to be honest I dont really know. Avoiding all the Greek tragedy references that have made their way into modern language Odepius or Jocasta complexes, or general psychosexual obsessive writings of Sigmund…. it is perhaps because of its connotations for family. If you dear reader are going to the eugh gross place in your head then I may respectfully suggest you avoid either the rest of this post, or modern porn and its age kinks/step-family sex obsessions….

DD/lg or Caregiver/little appear to this neophyte to be based around central themes of love, protection and trust. These consenting adults enter into a D/s based around being soft, kind, supportive and caring. Perhaps a softer way than some of the Dominant approaches ensuring the subs well-being physically of drinking enough water, exercising, eating properly as well as mental well being of love and tenderness through cuddles and care. Its seems a much simpler, often impish dynamic, fun poked by one to the other involving gentle rebellion as well as whatever sexual acts both enjoy! I have read very open and honest examples of love and tenderness through the DD/lg dynamic as well as love with a little tougher, ok a lot bloody tougher- care and love in other D/s couples and dynamics. Its apples and oranges, pick your own fruit people!

As for me, I never thought that I would say “Yes Daddy” whilst being extremely turned on by a certain situation; jeez am 40 for goodness sake & never wanted to say it before. There was only me that was present, nobody heard me and it took me a while to admit it to myself, but damn! I really meant it and said it again. If in the actual physical situation with that person would I imagine say it with trepidation at first but then no problems. It was instinctive, automatic reaction from a spell bound woman. The sound of the thud of the crop, counting down the slaps, the gentle but firm reminder of an error that required correcting….

So there it is. A new point to reflect upon, a situation that was extremely erotic and even now writing this blog I can feel my toes squirming slightly and my smile broadening… Another time or situation my response may be “bring it on!” With a cheeky grin and my whole body language screaming “make me” but would there I wonder be the ‘D’ word hovering on these luscious lips of mine as I grin out at him…….

Confused….

Exoring D/s as a newbie I am learning a whole lexicon of new terms. Exploring purely online in past year I have (virtually) met some fantastic supportive people. Who have been open to sharing information and experiences in order to increase my understanding. Learn, share, reflect grow and most importantly never judging. Thats so important as growing up and throughout my adult life, people I know have shamed people, mostly women, for exploring their sexuality.

I have identified that I am a submissive but…. I dont know what type. Can I be more than one? Am I a squishy blob of round peg trying to fit into a neat round hole?

If I have met on rare occasions someone who seems to be Dominant I can actually feel myself submitting. I have a very strong will by nature and need in my work life as well as issues in personal life. I do push my luck a LOT. I will push boundaries frequently until I get a response and push back. Then I will back down and submit or push back with a “make me” attitude welcoming a good fight. Grab me and get me to submit, indeed there have been days when I have extremely stressed out I would have welcomed this. Stress relief through physical action, my overthinking brain a way to be quiet. All of which made me think I am a bratty submissive, or certainly one with an attitude a mile wide.

Then there are days when, perhaps due to my depression or anxiety I feel very needy. I love cuddles, I am a very tactile person and want to held, stroked and generally taken care of. I will seek safety and comfort as I want to lie with my head on you, skin to skin if I can, wrapping my arms around you. Does that make me a little?

Is it possible to cross over submissive types and be more than one? Am I concentrating more on a definition and not potential experiences?

Can anyone please help?

Confidence

I started on NSFW Twitter about 13 months ago. Since then I think its fair to say my confidence has grown. In real life I am a middle aged mum, really curvy and lacking in self- confidence. Hitting 40 last year made me decide to be more daring. I wanted to know the real me that my upbringing suppressed. So I made a NSFW account…. for me this was very daring.

I have good boobs. No denials on that, even though they have been reduced, they still a great size! I was told as a young woman that it was the only reasoon any one ever hit on me. That dented my confidence as was my interest in D/s and spanking.

Now am 40 and my desires are increasing. My exhibitionist side has surged in past year, evidenced by my photos on my page! But, the biggest change for me in confidence as I have as I have been exploring how I feel about Dominance/submission. Finding my ‘voice’ in exploring blogging or short story and the feedback I have had 💖

What has been surprising for me, although I imagine not to others more used to BDSM; is the feeling of empowerment I have found. I have been reading others posts, blogs, stories plus joined @thesafewordsclb and participating in chat forums. All of which is illuminating for a novice like me.

I am still trying to fully discover myself- I still bit confused by the ‘labels’.. I am submissive, but I have a very cuddly side- emphasised by a strong willed attitude and eye rolls! I push and push limits until I am pushed back at, then I submit. At home this very rarely happens, there have been times I was overwhelmed with stress and actively sought a reset, a rough one- but never got it.

Still have a long way to go in my understanding of Dominance & submission. I doubt I ever fully understand or experience this but my confidence has certainly improved. Something that has not gone unobserved by my best friend 💖

Thank you my twitter friends for cheering me on, informing me of a whole world of experiences and generally just allowing this chubby, frumpy mum who has had self-confidence issues all her life to feel like she belongs and isnt a freak 😘

You

I miss you. I MISS you. I wanted you. I wanted you to want me. You occupy my thoughts, yet I am angered at myself. Angry that I do not know your name and yet your body occupy my mind. Your thighs. Your calves. Your arse. Your fucking gorgeous accent!

When I think about a man dominating me, a man taming this brat, whipping her soft arse cheeks until they are red… it is of you I think. You shared friendship, your BDSM predilictions, your kindness. Your thoughtfulness. Did you want me? Did you notice?

Part of me thinks you did. Part of me wonders if you wished to mark me as yours…. crop, belt or cane. I did not know your choice my Bokke…

I imagine that your hand running over my skin. Into my hair, grabbing hard on it and forcing me to look into your warm dark eyes. I do not know what you said in that message but….. 🔥🔥

Control..

In my normal “vanilla” life I am very straight laced, organised and find it comforting to maintain control over chaos. My desk is neat and tidy. My handwriting precise. I have a ‘to do’ list…. but I really want to give up my control.

I want a very strong man to give me instructions. Lose my ever strong need to control my situation. Make me a product for your desires. Push me. The following fantasy you will note mentions lube for use a lot. As a middle aged woman who needs support in peri-menopause, I am trying to normalise its use. Any experience of D/s I need this to be clear so here is my fantasy which is linked to the Wicked Wednesday theme….

“I receive your instructions via text. Today place anal plug of your choice and your app control vibrator in at same time. Do it by 9am as I know at 9.30am you will be in a busy important meeting that you must retain composure in. ‘You can come at will’…..oh no. I will need to remain poker faced- can I manage it? Would anyone know what I am doing or can I control myself?

As instructed I get out the lube and insert my butt plug, sparkly jewel metal. My plug of choice and I love the feeling of pushing it in me, stretching and filling, slightly uncomfortable as I forces it in against my body’s natural instincts. Full. I feel full and always a breathless thrill as a slight moan of satisfaction escapes me. Enjoying this feeling for a few minutes I feel my clit pulse, my muscles clench and nipples start to harden. Now time for the Lush, my cheeks begin to redden at the thought of this. More lube and in it goes. A definate moan escapes me as I feel so full, orgasmically so. Oh I love being filled, just wishing I had a body to lean against to run my fingers over and grasp hold of arms. Breathless I get dressed and head downstairs getting myself set up for my teams meeting.

At 9am my meeting starts and I switch into work mode, professional. Serious and concentrating on the task at hand. Forgetting at points I am double plugged until I move in my seat. Clenching slightly and feeling full, twinges in my clit and feeling my underwear damp from lube. Feeling delighted at fleeting moments I suddenly became very focused on a question that I was asked and paid no attention to the time. Suddenly a low hum began and I started shuffling in my seat and smiled suddenly and broadly. My team looked at me quizically wondering why I smiled, stammering I made an excuse as the buzzing stopped. Internally cursing my choice of a bright lipstick which would highlight my broad smile even more. The buzzing began again, then the waves started. The waves of pleasure echoing up me, bouncing off the internal walls of my tight muscles that gripped round the lush, these strong muscles loving the vibrations. It built then ebbed, then intensified suddenly. The pressure building was magnified feeling pressure due to the anal plug as well.

Lush allow a pattern to be programmed in over a set period of time. Use it with the plug was suddenly more intense. My orgasm built up and up, fighting it I felt my mouth clench and trying to focus my attention on the screen was my plan…… it wasnt working. A bigger gasp left my mouth, thankfully the microphone was off and only one person gave me a sideways glance. A pretend cough covered the next gasp as the orgasm hit me. Clenching round the plug and lush my hands grabbed my legs transferring the force into them.

A pause. A deep breath and drink of water. Then I repositioned myself on the chair and the plug suddenly felt as though it was bigger. Very aware of being full and wet. I was asked a question. Fuck! Why ask me these today of all days! I dont care! All I want is to be greedy and focus on coming at will. Awareness of my surroundings was difficult and required all my focus. Whilst on call I was concerned that the microphone could pick up the noise of vibrations. I started to blush again as was feeling the intensity build. I was embarrassed knowing that my colleagues saw my having an orgasm. They didnt know they did but they had…..

I had no control for that hour. The humiliation of knowing that I could not control them at all. There was someone else in control of my orgasms. Someone who was making me submit for their, as well as my pleasure. After the hour and several orgasms I received a text instructing me to video call my Dom to allow him to watch me orgasm now so he can achieve release as well. I duly did and my cheeks burned again. In the throes of passion face to face I can get taken away in the moment- this was different. It was a video call. I was physically alone. On a call. My facial expressions were very clear to see and I was a bit self conscious. Pushed to my limits and encouraged gently to start, the stimulation began. ‘Look at me!’ I was commanded. Forcing my eyes open I stared into his intense gaze, I knew he was stroking himself along as well. The stare was hypnotic, I couldnt look away. ‘Cum for me’ as my hips bucked involuntarily, pushing pressure on the anal plug. A rare event happened, a double anal and clitoral orgasm. My cries exploded, my nipples went harder than I thought possible and a sound interrupted my haze…. his grunt as his hot cum exploded out followed by his satisfactory release.

“Well done my slut. Time for you to rest and recover before your next meeting. Remove your devices and drink some water and sit. Since you are not here I shall have to clean my own cum up. If you need me, please message me for support. Have a think about how you feel after this session but I am pleased.” Another warm feeling from that statement brought a big smile from me ‘thank you Sir’ I replied.

Sitting and having a drink as instructed I was smiling at how sensitive my clit felt. Then my computer screen flashed up for the next meeting. Joining the virtual group a colleague commented how big my smile was today and what a cheer that brought them……

Reality

Monday was a very challenging day at work. Mondays are always busy days for us, add in that we are below minimum levels for our staff it was not a surprise that it is tough time just now. The stress of the global pandemic has made it tougher, plus not a sleep equals a rather crabby cow. Not a great combination.

My job is challenging, nobody likes to be told off for being wrong, but this is MY speciality work. We are the experts employed in this field and the attitude I got that day from “professionals” was usual shit but felt more magnified. How I managed impressed the trainee…. internalising it all is a trick I learned. What it did make me think of was coming home with my emotions. Driving I was tense and angry, usual music didnt help. I needed a release from this agitation. I was seeking that reset in a safe manner, not wanting to hurt anyone whilst simultaneously ready to wrestle anyone.

I have sharp sarcastic tongue, mouth that works faster than my brain’s speedbumps and blessed with beautiful sculpted eyebrows. Well they were sculptedpre lockdown (bloody COVID) and they are very expressive. Maintaining a poker face is aconstant battle, I often roll my eyes out loud I have been told and the eyebrow quickly arches in such a way that Mr Spock would be proud. My natural born attitude seems to be a very Scottish ‘did ye, aye?’ approach with a side of ‘mon then’ daring…..I believe its defined as “bratty”…. one to make a Doms crop twitch I am sure.

When younger I could take out this frustration on the rugby pitches, trying not to be told off by a referee whilst growling “yes Sir” when I was. Respectfully of course.. it is rugby & I.would be under a team fine… Right now, my batteredold body cannot even go to the gym to let loose… even then on those occasions there was always a component missing… the release was only partly achieved through exhaustion. So what is it I am seeking?

I think its a release of tension and a peace of mind. I am a chronic overthinker, my brain does not ever really settle into peace. It churns constantly, flitting constantly from topic to topic rarely settling. Reading some accounts/story threads from both a Dominant and Submissives perspective elegantly expressed by @TDRL_BTO77 who are a most devotws, loving couple in a D/s dynamic; has opened my eyes wider this past year. The stories that they have kindly shared (& allowed me to reference them) are excellent examples of these resets. What is clear when reading themis how in tune witheach others subtle nuances they are. BTO knowing that TDRL needed a reset to achieve Dom space & release of tension, deliberatwly challenged him with bratty behaviour. Subsequent session (please note… it sounded extremely hot from a vicarious readers perspective), helped achieve this balance. Flip side, and reading between lines of their exploits, you can clearly see the care and attention he devotes to assisting BTO to achieve subspace and her contentment. Love and devotion, D/s in action.

That contentment, safety and support is at the heart of every relationship be it kink or vanilla. How it is achieved is unique to each couple but what is becoming increasingly clear after stressful week is that may be the puzzle piece I am needing.

What did I get.. a sigh, look and huff noise with offer of a cup of tea. What I wanted was different. I needed a fight, I needed to push back to let out my demons and be put in my place. Internalising my anxiety and stress made me cross. Rolling my eyes at you and challenging your Dominance, seeking you to put me in my place. I would have pushed and pushed. I wanted to be grabbed, placed in restraints, hear the growl in a Doms voice telling me to behave or be punished. Gag me and tie me up or I will push you into the wall. Help me take my tension out and feel safe under your control. Help me reset, then rest at your side. Achieving the calm I seek so much…

Longing…

Alice looked into the mirror… seeing not her own reflection but his. Her ‘Lewis’, her muse and the one whom she had wished to give her submission for the first time…

Her hand raised to touch the glass and under it she felt him. How she imagined his strong muscular chest under her warm hand, teasing him. Provoking a growl as she would gently tug hischest hair. Hoping that this display of her bratty behaviour would put her in her place… over, under or at his knees.

Her eyes saw his dark ones, strong gaze and thighs. Imagining his strong arms and voice, wondering what her submission would have made her feel like.

Her eyes flicked down for a split second and when she looked back in the mirror all she saw was her own reflection…. only her pale blue eyes and her unobserved, unwanted gift of submission to him…

Bad Habits…

Christ I have a fair few. Every year I repeatedly remind myself I need to stop binge eating, lose weight and stop biting nails. Never happened yet…..

What I do need to stop is overthinking and blaming myself for everything. As a result of childhood trauma I tend to blame myself a lot, overthink every situation and mentally beat myself up for many things. It plays havoc with my mental health and is a toxic bad habit.

My poor writing, lack of focus and poor language caused a problem a month ago. It was discussed and rectified…. but I cant forgive myself for pain I caused. The situation has been talked through…but I cant let it go.

What this bad habit does is gnaw at me. Undermining my confidence in myself and builds up in my brain overthinking. I need to stop it.. am hurting myself and to quote Elsa I have got to ‘let it go’…