Awakenings

She had awoken. Like the veil removed from her eyes she started to glimpse possibilities. The stranger who awoke her subconscious and stirred her desire to fall like Alice deeper and deeper into wonderland…Did not even look twiceΒ in her direction.

She was awoken. This fire would not ever fully die. Yet it needed his spark. The chains of convention that surrounded her were beginning to creak, crack and allow some freedom. Yet he did not even look twice at her.. She was frustrated. She had momentarily seen a glimpse into wonderland and she desperately needed to break through and the guide who had awoken her would be totally unaware of this willingness and desire.

He didn’t look at her. She felt her lust for him rise and then it fell back into the darkness of her soul. She walked past him and he never even noticed. The suffocating chains of convention reasserted themselves and renewed their grip. Perhaps one day they would break again but now they had broken her. He never even noticed.

Waiting part 2

Collection of tweets that I had posted xx

She stood politely smiling at the banal conversation around her. With a polite fixed smile she did her duty supporting her partner at these ghastly work events. The group of women whispering in giggles at the “exciting” new projects that they were doing. She was bored. She had to deal with similar issues but they did not excite her passion. Her flames burned bright in her dreams with passion for something else.. Seeking more and more as she grew older and realised what she wanted wasn’t wrong or terribly sinful…it was just what she wanted.

She was made into a strong character through life but there was an element that was starting to scream louder and louder that her friends would be horrified to know. She was a strong woman and needed a stronger man to dominate her. To spark her flames to life. Bring her to the edge of passion and take her further. Standing there she was awaiting that strong man to take her hand and lead her to what the gaggle of ghastly women would call the dirty side..

Waiting for you..

A collection of short tweets that I had posted on my twitter starting to explore awakenings of D/s interests..

Can you see me standing in the dark? Can you shine a light on my deepest desires? Can you be the one to open the door to my desires? Are you the one who see’s who I truly am?

I am still standing here…waiting. Am silently screaming. Mind racing and looking for calm. A calm..like you. Your eyes are on me… I feel it and turn to look at you and you smile.. knowing I am caught in your gaze.

“I am just tired” and she was tired. Tired of being there for everyone. Her soul ached for more. But was there anyone who could pierce the dark veil that she felt all around? Who can tame it and bend it to their will. Or will the darkness remain? Hers the chains of boring convention…

She was once a warrior. Once did battle against the enemy. Her skin bruised, dirty and broken. Spirit as strong as her favourite lipstick.

Now… the body remains bruised and broken.. the heart remains intact…the lipstick remains strong. Warrior in spirit not the body… πŸ‰

No longer the warrior she was. The broken bones have healed. The body now struggles. The heart is still willing. The soul sings out….

I am still a rugby girl! πŸ‰

Moods…

This morning I took one of the children out for riding lesson & top was tight across my chest but lots are. I was happy, fresh air, sunshine, animals including kisses from a foal. My happy place includes animals.

This afternoon husband & I went to gym. Eldest child watched others. Scotland has only allowed gyms back since 31st August so its been a long break. Now, seeing myself in the mirrors has dropped my mood somewhat.

I have never ever had the build my mother has, athletic, slim, no hips. She was always a size 8-10 or less, worse when she was drinking rather than eating… she would be fine on a runway… whereas me- well I am a Victoria Secrets Model idea of hell.. size 16. Short and broader of build, with a set of boobs that could sink the Titanic.

I starved myself thin age 16 & 17 under pressure. I looked awful. At my ideal BMI weight for my height, I looked like Skeletor. It was not a happy place to be. I have never ever thought I was attractive, but I felt worse. Today after the gym, I felt the same, just on opposite end of the scale.

I do need to lose weight. Its for my health but I will never be as slim as some of the girls in the gym. Mind you, I am about 20 years older and had 3 kids! Time to think a bit kinder about myself perhaps…..

I have a chest that many would adore, but we are all different and that makes the tapestry of our workd more interesting…

Rugby history

Sat here gin in hand watching Invictus. If you ignore Matt Damon picked as a short Pienaar and love the legend that is Morgan Freeman, its alright film.

I remember watching RWC 1995 & I have always loved the All Blacks but it was right Boks won. History needed to be made. I remember screaming with excitement watching the finalon tv in my room. My tiny tv and the dog sat beside me as I had crisps πŸ˜‚

I remember duscussing at school apartheid & the change in South African politics, but I couldnt understand it. As a white woman in a predominantly white area I couldnt understand why people were segregated. To me division was more based on religion, Catholics v Protestant. My family are Irish descent from West Scotland, other side of family from Dublin..all green.

What I also remember was the feeling of social alienation I had in sharp focus at that time. In the 1990s, girls werent allowed to play rugby at my school & most areas where we were, I was the freak. I played. I loved it.

1995 and swapping stickers at school. Chatting games through, remembering the big names of that RWC…Doddie Weir, Gavin Hastings, Redpath, the Underwoods, Jonah Lomu, Zinzan Brooke, Joost, Chester Williams, Os du Randt & Pienaar.

Times are different now. Girls play more and I hope more accepted for it. But the world still needs to heal, all are equal. πŸ’–

I cried watching Mandela & Pienaar. I cried watching Kolisi (wearing same number as Pienaar) & Habana discuss the win in 2019 xxx

In short, 4 large gins down….. I am sat thinking of what has been. Thinking that the world needs more love in it.

plus I miss the proper old school rugby shirts xxxx

Saturday thoughts

Lying here thinking of you and wondering if you think of me. Outside the autumn sun is shining and promises a decent day but what do I really want to do?

I want you to chain me to the bed and use me as yours. Trsce your finger over all my curves. Devour me over and over till we cant anymore. Collar me, chain me and use my clamps. Gag me if you wish but command me as I wish to be yours.

That is what I want the day to bring. Sadly its out of my reach and you will do this to me only in my dreams Sir. For I wish to be yours if you notice me…..

Reality

Some days really give you a kicking. Since I recovered from viral meningitis and bad influenza at same time as a teenger, I have fought many battles with depression. Not sure if it is result of suppressed emotional trauma from childhood or triggered by illness but it has been debilitating at times.

Age 19 I dropped out of university much to my fathers disgust. He couldnt afford to go as a young man and was forever bitter. I completed my basic nursing degree, I have a Post-Graduate certificate and failed diploma. If I didnt work in Public sector I would find employment difficult. I have had bouts of severe illness including self-harm, that required frequent medications & long periods of absence.

i have heard constantly ‘you dont look depressed’, ‘what have you got to be depressed about’, blah blah blah…. I have it. Deal with it. Occasionally my paranoia is high, my confidence and body image is always poor. Anonymity is my friend on here and NSFW Twitter πŸ’–πŸ’–

In short today its kicking my ass. Life is stressful. I have more than one child, a busy full time post in a highly specialised stressful post at a senior grade.

Lets all be kind and spread love not bugs 😘😘😘

Who am I?

Who am I?

This is a mystery for us all. Who are we? Are we products of nature or nurture? Are we bound by the fates? Pulling on our mortal threads or do we truly have free will?

Physically my genetic nature has made me pale, white, short, bright blue eyes, heavy chested with strong thick hair. High cheekbones and a very full luscious mouth, thick lips perfect for lipstick and kissing. Naturally quite a clumsy person, strong and heavy.

My upbringing- my nurture environment has at points been difficult. Leading me to be conditioned to ensure that the job gets done; even if those who should do it -don’t help. It taught me that I did not really matter. I had to be there for others. it taught me that I did not want to look in the mirror as all I see are flaws. Chubby, glasses, make up not perfect, my geeky nature boring and unwelcome.

But who am I really? I am a random mix. I love to read! I love to sing (though I really cant hold a tune and really shouldn’t). I am funny and often make people laugh, though I am also sarcastic and often speak before thinking. I have fought many battles and protect my own.

I am now 40 and less willing to wear the masks that I have been given. I don’t want to be invisible, ignored and simply do my duty. I want to be me!

I am stubborn. I am cheeky. I will push, and push and push you till you push me back. Spank me, pin me, throw me down and make me feel your desire. Make me remove the masks of my upbringing and bring me into the light.

Let it shine upon my desires and allow me to explore them all with you. Allow me to bask in your dominance and give you my submission.

it will take a strong man as I will not submit easily but will if given the chance and I choose you.
Or do I fade back into the darkness of invisibility? Forever doomed to wear a mask of polite civility……

Beginnings..

Hi!

Who am I? I am a mum and nobody exciting or important. I am me. A contradiction, a Gemini, serious, geeky but was a cheeky streak. I am also frustrated and expressing that in online outlets xx

My blog will be a mix of the small posts I have created for my Twitter, exploring my interests in D/s and feeling trapped. Plus other random bits… 😘😘😘😘😘